Friday, October 10, 2008

Q & A: Orgasm: too often or hardly ever?

Q. I have never had an orgasm. Not with my boyfriend, despite the fact that he has tried, oh boy has he tried! Masturbation does NOTHING, I mean nothing, nada, zero, ZIP. No reaction whatsoever. It's just not exciting for me. We have gotten really close before, but what can we do? We've tried plenty of positions, a myriad of masturbation, and a lot of cunnilingus. Now, I'm not complaining, making love with him is great, but I would just like to have one, sometime, you know eventually just so I know what it feels like. Believe me, he wants me to climax just as badly as I want to... And no, we're not focusing solely on that aspect (because as we all know if you think about something and wait for it, it will never happen). This is all of course further complicated by the fact that I'm only with him about twice a month (or less) for no longer than two days at a time except for longer vacations which are few... I might add, I'm somewhat sore when I go back to school.
-school girl

Dear "school girl",
Your sex life sounds great. Many women never achieve orgasms in their lives. But that doesn't mean you won't have fun trying! Since you have really looked into this and seem to have tried everything under the sun, I can only think of one more thing that may be involved here. That is power. Having an orgasm in front of someone is making yourself vulnerable to them. It is giving up power. I don't know if you agree with this idea, but I suggest you really think about it. In the meantime, enjoy your relationship, because it is going well. Keep an "if it ain't broke don't fix it" kind of attitude. Hi! I have been going out with my girlfriend for about a year and we have had sexual intercourse many times. The problem is that I have never seen that she has had an orgasm. I have read hundreds of books on how to give a woman oral sex and how to make love, and I'm pretty sure that I have perfected it! Sometimes I even give her oral sex for about 10 minutes, I kiss her, caress her, etc. Then she gets on top of me and we begin the nitty gritty. The problem is that I get excited too quickly and come in about one minute. Is that normal? The problem is that I love her very much and I want to please her. I talked to her, asking her if she has ever reached a climax with me and she said she is not sure, I'm pretty sure she meant no. I want to please her and last a long time, can you please help me out? I want to make her have an orgasm all the time. This is because I get satisfied, but she is always left with wating more. I guess she expects me to be a superman. I have even asked her how she likes me to make oral sex to her, etc. Please help me! Thank you. I was going to see a therapist. I think the problem is that I don't last. She excites me so much that I can't help it. I know it sounds weird, but I'm 19 and she is 15. Maybe there is a technique that I could try. A technique that I could make love, then stop, then continue, etc. Thanks alot. Well, at least one-third of all women do not have orgasms. And even though a woman does not have an orgasm, it doesn't mean she's not enjoying the sexual encounter. To keep yourself from coming too soon, squeeze the underside of your penis head for about ten seconds. Once the urge to come is gone, resume. Keep repeating this as many times as you need.

Q. My problem is that I take too long to ejaculate. I'm 19, and I've been with three girls, all three have gotten a bit frustrated because I take a good hour, hour and a half to ejaculate. I don't know how to speed things up. When I masturbate, I take about 20-30 minutes, but when I'm with a girl, I just can't let myself go. The girls I've been with have enjoyed being with me, and they feel satisfied, but they think that it's their fault that I can't ejaculate quicker. What should I do?

Dear MAH,
First of all, don't place so much importance on ejaculating. Enjoy the experience. I think this focus on ejaculating is actually making things worse for you. It sounds like you are not comfortable ejaculating with another person. This goes back to the aspect of losing power, which I mentioned in an above letter. You might want to try letting your girlfriend masturbate you. This may help you to become less inhibited, and it may work better. Above all, pressuring yourself is going to keep ejaculation from happening.

Q. I am a forty year-old woman who has almost never had an orgasm while making love. Can you offer any help on this? Also, I seem to dry up way too early on and wondered if you had any suggestions on this also. I would greatly appreciate any advice you could offer.
Thank you,

Dear Allison,
Try masturbating and intercourse simultaneously. Don't be hard on yourself when you don't acheive orgasm. That will decrease your chances for orgasm in future lovemaking. Also, use K-Y jelly to alleviate your dryness. This is available at most drug stores and supermarkets.

Q. I need help with something very serious. My boyfriend and I have been going together for eight months now, and we decided to start making love in late April. Making love is great, even though it hurt for the first time, but I haven't been able to orgasm at all when we have intercourse. My boyfriend usually comes very quickly the first time, then it gets longer and longer every time after that... but I never come. The only way I come is by touching myself. I would really like to come during intercourse because when my boyfriend does, and I don't, I get all upset and discouraged at myself. What do you recommend?

Dear :(,
Have intercourse in a position in which you or your boyfriend can masturbate you while having intercourse. And try not to worry about reaching orgasm during sex. It will only make things worse. Dear

Q. I have trouble reaching orgasm. I'm a guy. I endure too long and start getting tired and I just give up. No fun with sex anymore and my wife is getting a divorce because of that.

It's too bad your wife is divorcing you over this. Most women would be happy with your "ability". However, it could be a drag if you were trying to conceive. You need to make your penis more sensitive. Try using a cock ring or looking at pornography before sex. If you've recently become circumsized, that could also be the problem. If my advice doesn't help you out, see a doctor about your problem.

Q. My boyfriend and I have been going out for quite a while and have had sex many times. Lately I haven't had an orgasm. Is it because of me, him, or what?

This seems to be a common problem for couples who have been together for a while. My suggestion is to spice up your sex life. Throw out your inhibitions and try new things. New positions, body paints, lingerie, sensual massages, ... you get the picture. Some people may also come in only one position. If this is true for you, try more fourplay. This can be rubbing, kissing, oral sex, or even having sex in different positions, then returning to your normal "orgasmic" position. Just remember that most people do not reach orgasm every time they have sex.... if they do, they're pretty lucky.

Q. I can't get my girlfriend off!! We've been together for five years and all she'll tell me to do is read a book! She's been with other people but I have not. We rarely have sex mainly because I feel bad about not getting her off. Please help. I love her.

Q. I am just another guy out here with a problem. My girlfriend has NEVER had an orgasm. I don't mean not by me, I mean NEVER. She says she enjoys it anyway and wants to have them but she never does. We are both very attracted to each other alot but I can't seem to ever get there for her. What are some ways to get her to have them? Oral sex does not work (at least not the way I do it), HELP. Basically, I am looking for advice on how to arouse her more, and methods to bring her to have an orgasm soon!

Hey guys,
Try looking at pornograpy or erotica together before having sex. Some lingerie may work, too. During oral sex, use a dildo or a couple of fingers in her vagina while you suck on her clitoris. Or, have her stimulate her clitoris while having intercourse with her on her back and you on your side.

Q. My new boyfriend and I have no problem getting turned on. I can practically orgasm from just kissing him, and he in turn is thoroughly aroused by the time he enters me. However, as time has gone on, it is taking him longer and longer to climax, and last night he didn't at all. I realize that it isn't that unusual a situation, but I have not encountered it with such regularity before. Anyway, when he failed to climax, I removed the condom and began to perform oral sex on him. The condom was treated with a spermicide, and the taste was bitter to say the least, but I also noticed that after I stopped (gave up, actually), my mouth and throat were numb! It occured to me that since my mouth and throat were so desensitized, then perhaps the spermicide in the condom is having the same affect on my boyfriend. Have you ever heard of this before? I have heard of allergic reactions to spermicides, not numbness. You can bet the next condom we use will be "plain".
It's great that you and your boyfriend have such great chemistry. It's also great that you are having safe sex. When your boyfriend does not climax, it's not your fault. He just didn't climax. Stop concentrating on orgasms, and enjoy the lovemaking. Yes, it is possible that the spermicide numbed his feeling. Another possible factor which may be causing this situation may be stress. Both you and your boyfriend must remember that orgasm is not all there is to lovemaking. You've got such a great relationship- count your blessings and enjoy it while the getting is good.

Q. I have a huge problem. I've been going out with a girl for about ten months now and we started having sex after two weeks. I don't mean to sound vain or anything, but I have a very powerful sex drive and I take forever to come. My girlfriend gets about ten orgasms and I'm still going for my first ejaculation. Please help me, my girlfriend is suffering.
from somebody

Dear somebody,
Stop making your girlfriend suffer. Pull out before she gets raw. If you can't come through intercourse, try oral sex or have your girlfriend masturbate you. Be thankful you can stay erect that long. Many men have problems getting and/or staying erect, and even experience premature ejaculation. Number one, you don't have to come, and number two, if you feel you have to, there's more than one way to do it.

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