Tuesday, October 28, 2008

A Quick Course on Condoms for Women

Why

Unless you’ve been under a rock for the last ten years, you know that condoms are now DE RIGEUR and have had quite a resurgence in popularity. Not including water-filled window launchings, a favorite pastime of prepubescent and fraternity boys, condoms serve two purposes. They keep you from getting sick and they keep you form getting pregnant. If your situation is such that you don’t needn’t think about such things, you are fortunate indeed. If you plan to stick to some of the safe sex alternatives we offer, no problem. But for those who will be confronting the reality of rubber, we offer these tips. Even if a guy is totally responsible, dealing with condoms poses several possible situations you may have to handle and overcome.

Who

Every situation is different, and you know best about which guys in your bed do or don’t require this equipment. Some men wonder if they’ll be perceived as overly cocky if they just happen to have a condom around. Don’t even give it a second thought. The rule of thumb is that if you’re at his place, he should have condoms handy, and vise versa when you’re on your own turf. Consider it being a well-prepared host or hostess. But since we all know that men can be lousy hosts, you have to be ready for action wherever you may be.

If the situation arises at your place and you don’t hear the rustle of foil, just reach for your bedside condom container. A word of advise here: Even if you purchased a case of condoms in preparation for entertaining the new first-year law class, it’s probably wise to keep only a reasonable number, say two to four, in the container by your bed. Some men don’t want to think that you’re entertaining the troops, so it’s best to appear prepared but not professional.

And, as a matter of fact, it’s a good idea to separate each condom from the perforated strip beforehand, like stamps, so your partner doesn’t feel like he’s taking a number at the bakery on a Sunday morning.

If you end up at his place, a little advance work is necessary. On a first-time visit, he will probably show you around. This is a good time to scope things out. You can hang up your coat, but hold on your handbag. Almost immediately he’ll turn on the stereo and ask you if you want beverages. This would be a good time to ask for a glass of ice water. You can pretty much bet that the action will take place wherever two people can be horizontal and still hear the music. Plop down your handbag somewhere around this area. In the event that he grabs you as soon as he gets to the bedroom part of the tour, your handbag is still with you, and you can fling it somewhere near the bed in a fit of passion. It doesn’t matter if this is your first visit or not. If he doesn’t make the move to get a condom, just do it! You’ll know when the moment is right.

When

It may be that wearing a condom doesn’t feel as great as skin to skin, but in these day and age, riding bareback is definitely not an alternative. Suppose you encounter a guy who whines because he doesn’t want to wear one. You may find it hard to believe that some guys think they’re being totally original when they say, “It’s like taking a shower with a raincoat on.” Besides being really stupid, this negative analogy equates a condom with an article of clothing one wears in nasty weather. You must redirect this fashion thinking immediately, and concentrate on other articles of clothing that bring to mind positive, fun and pleasurable associations. The best argument we’ve heard goes something along these lines: “You wouldn’t go running without your sneakers, skating without skates or diving without a wet suit, would you?” You need to wear the right gear for the activity. And that’s exactly what this is about – getting all dressed up appropriately to go to the party. Even your macho, hot-to-trot Latin lover will understand that he has to wear a party sombrero if he wants to go to the fiesta.

What

While any port will do in a storm, an informal poll says the condom of choice is a brand called Kimono. The Micro Thin Plus type is especially nice for him. Kimono condoms come in all sorts of varieties to suit any preference. Lifestyles brand is also recommended. And, for your purpose, these are a little more ladylike that Trojans, Ramses or some other butch-sounding brand names.

Kimono also makes a product called Aqua-Lube, which is perfect for inside and out expect that is doesn’t come in a pump bottle yet. Never use Vaseline, because it cam break down the latex in the condom. Never use products with fragrance, because they can irritating to both of you. Avoid condoms with extra spermicide, such as nonoxynol 9, if either of you begins to burn or itch. Lambskin condoms are old hat and don’t protect against disease. We don’t recommend them. But … one woman we know was truly creative when his receptive partner said that he had an allergy to latex. She sprang into action and put a lambskin condom over a latex one. This is also known as “double bagger,” but you have to be careful that they don’t rub together and break, or that you’re not so lubed up that they can slide right off.

A while back, there was a big marketing push for condoms with bumps and ridges. One ad in men’s magazines used to promise “a thousand tiny fingers urging a woman to let go.” If speed bumps make you tingle, then go ahead, knock yourself out.

Ditto on the “artistic” varieties, unless these fall in line with a particularly festive theme for the evening. Of course, there are always some guys who like to feel like GI Joe when they wear camouflage condoms that boast “don’t let them see you coming.” Maybe you’ve known a couple of bozos who like the carnival colors? Or the scout troop leader who went wild for the glow-in-the-dark kind? These are novelties and should be treated as such. More important, these things are often of inferior quality. Unless you’re partying with Homer Simpson, forget the costumes and cutesy stuff.

If you are in a tryst where your partner presents you with a flavored condom, that’s your cue for some super-safe oral action. Remember, he’s not the one who’s going to be tasting it. If you’re going to make this part of your regular repertoire, try a brand called Kiss of Mint, which doubles as a light breath freshener.

Where

If you are raveling, and that could mean being on a date across town, keep a couple of condoms handy and accessible in the same way that you would a wallet, passport or camera. You never know when a great photo opportunity will arise. Maybe you’ll end up at his place after a date. If he never has anything but beer in the fridge, don’t expect him to have condoms either. It’s a lot more convenient to make one magically appear from your handbag than have him frantically search a backpack from his last camping trip.

How

Many guys have fantasies about their partner applying the condom with her mouth. As this requires quite experience, practice on an inanimate object before you tackle the real thing. And remember, use your lips and not your teeth.

Once that is out of the way, the next insider’s tip is crucial because this little bit of knowledge will separate you from the rest of the pack. Although we recommend pre lubricated condoms for intercourse, you may also want to put a little dab of your water-based lubricant INSIDE the top of the condom right before you unroll it. This will make the experience more pleasurable for him. Use just a drop; the idea is to get a small glob on the head of his penis without rubbing it all around the shaft, because you don’t want the condom to slip off. You’ll never have a problem getting it on him again, and he’ll wonder why he didn’t think of it before.

So what’s the proper application etiquette? Opening the package, but not removing the condom, before you actually start fooling around will help things run smoothly when it’s time to stick in. Don’t do it more than a few minutes in advance or the condom will dry out. If he wants to put it on himself, just let him. If you want to make him feel that his erection is the most magnificent thing you’ve even seen, kneel down between his legs while you adopt an attitude of solemn worship – sort like saluting the flag. Since condoms are rolled up, it will take a little practice to figure out which side is the top. Put a dab of lubricant inside the unrolled condom or on the head of his twitching member. Place the condom on the penis head and pinch the rubber tip between your thumb and forefinger to allow some space for what’s to come. Then unfurl the rest, climb on board and go to town. He will have wonderful thoughts of you rallying ‘round his mast.

You shouldn’t even have to think about disposal, because he should know well enough to flush the evidence down the toilet. If he leaves it lying on the floor, or stuck to your wastebasket, think about dumping him. Our not-so-scientific studies would indicate that he’s a pig.

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