Thursday, October 29, 2009

Q & A: "For the past 5 years I have had NO sexual desire whatsoever"

For the past 5 years I have had NO sexual desire
whatsoever. My husband is as interested as he always was, but we
have both gained a great deal of weight. How can I restore these
sexual feelings?

You ask an important and difficult question. Sexual
desire, as most everyone knows, is influenced by many
different things. And it's not hard to have it go wrong. The
feelings you have for your mate, the circumstances of your
surroundings, feelings about oneself, past experiences with sex,
and many other factors may influence your desire.

For starters, I think it is helpful to acknowledge that because
of the cultural milieu in most parts of the western world,
someone without strong sexual energies may feel like there must
be something wrong. This is not necessarily true, although there
may be problems working that out with a mate. In addition, if sex
with your partner was never very much fun, or didn't give the
intimacy desired, or if abuse ever occurred in the past; if sex
became routine or boring from lack of imagination, or too focused
on getting an orgasm, if work leaves you exhausted, if there is
unresolved tension or anger in the relationship, if you have any
physical problems of discomfort during sex, or feelings of
depression, even side-effects to medicines, these too may have an
impact. Being overweight does not necessarily mean a loss of
sexual desire, although it certainly could affect your feelings
of attraction.

Those of you who are parents may understand how difficult it is
to feel uninhibited about sex with children in the house. Then
again, how much time is spent seducing our lovers? Are dining,
lighting, music, sense of privacy, the physical surroundings,
conducive to love-making? Is there talk of love, sharing of
feelings, something more than the physical act of sexual play to
arouse interest.

We could go on for some time. One suggestion would be to regard a
lack of sexual desire not so much as a problem to get rid of, but
as an opportunity to learn more about yourself, your relationship
with your partner, and your sexual life.

-- R. Jandl

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